Now I Ain't Sayin' She's a Gold Digger...
Hey, all!
Hmmm. I had a leaking sillcock last year (no giggling in the back row, please) and while RotoRooter decided to be something like a couple of hours late and want some insanely high fee to fix it, I called Service Magic back and they had me new names in almost nothing flat. The job was done totally right and it was MUCH more affordable! The guy was even here within two MINUTES of the time he said he would be. (Do other plumbers do that? I didn't think so!)
So I looked them up again and put in the trouble with the washer. Since this was an appliance repair I also got to thinking about the refrigerator...we keep finding the freezer door open and have been blaming the kids. Well...the other night we discovered that closing the fridge door will force the freezer door open, so the stupid thing isn't keeping the seal. Nice. So I threw that in there as well, submitted an online request, and went to empty the dishwasher, since I wasn't going to hear anything until Monday.
Imagine my surprise when the cell phone rang and it was one of the repairmen! At 10:30 p.m.!
We talked for a bit and he said it sure sounded like either a slipped belt or a clutch assembly. How does it spin?
Beautifully, no problem at all. It doesn't smell bad and there's no noise to speak of. It's just that the agitator makes a clunking noise, pulls power pretty hard and only spins in one direction.
He's going to bring a clutch assembly.
And he's coming tomorrow, on the weekend. Which I think is insane, but this is normal working hours for him. We also had an interesting conversation about washers, dryers, A/Cs and such. The EPA mandates for efficiency is going up by leaps and bounds...he suspects that in another 5 or 10 years you won't be able to FIND a top-loading washer since they're so inefficient with water. He owns a front-loading washer and says it'll wash a full load (6 pairs of jeans+) with 1.5 gallons of water and since the spin cycle goes at about 1,300 rpm, it takes SEVEN MINUTES to dry them in the dryer. I'm just stunned. He also has the name of a good "scratch and dent" place in Fenton where you can get these things for about half price with just a little "ping" here and there. We'd have loved one when we were setting up the house, but they ran about $800-$1,000 for a washer and there was no WAY we were going to spend that kind of money! I'll sure hit him up for information again, though.
Oh, and he'll bring an after-market seal for the freezer, to see if it'll fit. It's most likely losing of its plasticity. He says the factory issued ones can run about $100...I said for that much money, I'd just go get a child's safety lock for the fridge and use THAT to keep it closed! Sheesh!
Nothing really new kid-wise...we were supposed to read The Steadfast Tin Soldier to David and I figured he'd be maimed for life if I read him that story. Doug says, "I don't remember that one."
"What? OK, there's this little tin solider and he has only one leg, but he's ever so strong and brave, and he's in love with the ballerina on the musicbox because she's standing on one leg, so he thinks they have something in common. And through one thing or another he gets knocked out of the window and tromped on and sent down the gutter in a paper boat...everyone's just awfully mean to him, and he's finally eaten by a fish. And still he's so strong and so brave and so true, and the fish is caught and taken to the very house the tin soldier came from, and he's taken to the living room, where one of the boys picks him up and throws him into the fire for no reason at all. So the brave tin soldier can feel himself melting, and he's gazing at his love, the ballerina, and a door suddenly opens and she's blown into the fire with him and burns into nothing, and he remains steadfastly brave as he turns into a puddle. And the next morning the scullery maid finds only a lump of tin in the shape of a heart and the charred crisp of a ballerina spangle in the ashes."
Doug just looks at me. "Yeah, you'd have to pull him off the wall."
Um...yeah! I don't think he's been introduced to a sad story yet...didn't anyone else ever feel a little betrayed by a book which rewarded you by ripping your heart out of your chest and stomping on it? Where the Red Fern Grows did that to me in elementary school, in fourth grade, if I recall. I'd prefer that David not be scared of a book's ending before he decides to pick one up. He had enough trouble with that already.
Oh, and his friend's mom tried to feed him Peeps.
"What did he do?" I asked.
"He said, 'It's too cute, I can't eat it.' I said, 'They're not REAL. You know that, right? They make them cute so that people WILL eat them.' He didn't want anything to do with it."
"I keep telling Doug, this kid's going to get eaten alive in school."
I can only imagine what a group of non-sympathetic little boys would do with another boy who burst into tears at the idea of eating something "cute." I'm not sure if they'd delight in biting the heads off whatever foodstuff they had nearby or if they'd just try to rough him up a bit. Or both. Heck, even Lauren likes to bite into "cute" food to watch David's horrified reaction. Before you develop a conscience, torture is amusing.
Just read this on the NYT website...apparently women are expecting diamond earrings when they give birth now. And yes, men are being lead by the nose on this one...click on the link and read all about the so-called Push Presents.
I have an opinion on that, but find it too cumbersome to embed a clip of the hip-hop song "Gold Digger" here, so if you know the tune, feel free to hum it to yourself now.
Along the same lines, this is also hysterical:
My vote for the best response is (in part) as follows:
I appreciate your honesty. At 500K a year, you've tagged your coochie at an astonishing $1,369 a day! But I admit, I'm still intrigued at what such an astonishing figure might offer, and would hate to miss out on what must be the best lay in the world. So I'd like to go for the daily rental plan to satisfy my curiosity before taking the big plunge on a nominal lease plan.
But before I commit to a rental though, a few questions, dear.
Having seduced and rented an embarrassingly large number of women, I must say you really need to explain your pricing. You humbly find yourself spectacularly beautiful, but really now, that just your opinion. As a man, I imagine my beautiful meter is far more subjective than yours.
So is it your sexual performance? Just in the last month, in Thailand and the Philippines I've paid $30 a night to at least half a dozen girls who could star in porn today. Are you 45 times better to command $1,369? Hmmmm.
Is your snapper gold-plated and does it shoot fire? Perhaps it magically changes transmission fluid, carries my golf bag, baits my hooks, and morphs into a different 21 year old every night? That might be worth something, I imagine. $1,369? Well...
Also, you seem naive to the game. Men don't pay for sex, we pay for the women to leave. It sounds like you expect to come back every day! Good grief!! The excitement of newness fades quickly, sometimes in an afternoon, so surely there must be some decelerating price scale as the days add up. Please advise.
Moving on....
My big and thrilling news of the day (do I ever have actual news? no.) is that the washing machine is apparently mad at me. I did a couple of loads of laundry and on the third one the washer filled up just fine, but when the agitator tried to move, it made weird ka-chunking noises and the lights dimmed just ever-so-slightly on each attempt it made. So I dove for the machine and shut it off, tried rearranging the stuff inside, and tried again. Same result. I took a few things out. Same result. I drained and spun the laundry. It did beautifully. I filled the empty tub on the smallest possible load (since it WILL NOT agitate with an empty tub) and ran it with just water in it...same result.
Crap.
Drained the tub, felt around for socks and/or obvious stray clothes binding the agitator, found none.
Hit the internet looking for advice. (Oh, what would I do without the internet?) Found lots of fun stuff along the way...my favorite handyman thread title was "Oven receptacles burned!" but let me just say that when you're skimming the page looking for something else and your eye wanders over that title, you read something else ENTIRELY! Kinda makes you backtrack to ask what on earth happened to make this man burn his 'eptacles, and what precautions you might want to take yourself, KWIM? I found plenty of lovely exploded diagrams of washing machines, read the repair boards, and pretty much diagnosed the problem down to either the clutch assembly or the agitator dogs. (No, those aren't junkyard dobermans. They're little "dog ears" that fit onto the clutch which catch the agitator to make it turn in the opposite direction, otherwise your agitator spins just one way.)
The dogs themselves run about $5 for a set, and the clutch itself is only a $25 part. So I'm thinking, hey, that sounds reasonable. Let's see if I can pull this agitator off and see just how hard this is likely to be. So I pull off the detergent cup and...stupidly, I can't get any further!! Well, a little more investigation starts talking about the need to loop a rope around and under the agitator and using a broom handle to leverage the whole thing out of place. So while I'm contemplating this, I remember:
THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG’S LIST
Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy.
I’m not from New York. I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
 |
My vote for the best response is (in part) as follows:
I appreciate your honesty. At 500K a year, you've tagged your coochie at an astonishing $1,369 a day! But I admit, I'm still intrigued at what such an astonishing figure might offer, and would hate to miss out on what must be the best lay in the world. So I'd like to go for the daily rental plan to satisfy my curiosity before taking the big plunge on a nominal lease plan.
But before I commit to a rental though, a few questions, dear.
Having seduced and rented an embarrassingly large number of women, I must say you really need to explain your pricing. You humbly find yourself spectacularly beautiful, but really now, that just your opinion. As a man, I imagine my beautiful meter is far more subjective than yours.
So is it your sexual performance? Just in the last month, in Thailand and the Philippines I've paid $30 a night to at least half a dozen girls who could star in porn today. Are you 45 times better to command $1,369? Hmmmm.
Is your snapper gold-plated and does it shoot fire? Perhaps it magically changes transmission fluid, carries my golf bag, baits my hooks, and morphs into a different 21 year old every night? That might be worth something, I imagine. $1,369? Well...
Also, you seem naive to the game. Men don't pay for sex, we pay for the women to leave. It sounds like you expect to come back every day! Good grief!! The excitement of newness fades quickly, sometimes in an afternoon, so surely there must be some decelerating price scale as the days add up. Please advise.
Moving on....
My big and thrilling news of the day (do I ever have actual news? no.) is that the washing machine is apparently mad at me. I did a couple of loads of laundry and on the third one the washer filled up just fine, but when the agitator tried to move, it made weird ka-chunking noises and the lights dimmed just ever-so-slightly on each attempt it made. So I dove for the machine and shut it off, tried rearranging the stuff inside, and tried again. Same result. I took a few things out. Same result. I drained and spun the laundry. It did beautifully. I filled the empty tub on the smallest possible load (since it WILL NOT agitate with an empty tub) and ran it with just water in it...same result.
Crap.
Drained the tub, felt around for socks and/or obvious stray clothes binding the agitator, found none.
Hit the internet looking for advice. (Oh, what would I do without the internet?) Found lots of fun stuff along the way...my favorite handyman thread title was "Oven receptacles burned!" but let me just say that when you're skimming the page looking for something else and your eye wanders over that title, you read something else ENTIRELY! Kinda makes you backtrack to ask what on earth happened to make this man burn his 'eptacles, and what precautions you might want to take yourself, KWIM? I found plenty of lovely exploded diagrams of washing machines, read the repair boards, and pretty much diagnosed the problem down to either the clutch assembly or the agitator dogs. (No, those aren't junkyard dobermans. They're little "dog ears" that fit onto the clutch which catch the agitator to make it turn in the opposite direction, otherwise your agitator spins just one way.)
The dogs themselves run about $5 for a set, and the clutch itself is only a $25 part. So I'm thinking, hey, that sounds reasonable. Let's see if I can pull this agitator off and see just how hard this is likely to be. So I pull off the detergent cup and...stupidly, I can't get any further!! Well, a little more investigation starts talking about the need to loop a rope around and under the agitator and using a broom handle to leverage the whole thing out of place. So while I'm contemplating this, I remember:
Hmmm. I had a leaking sillcock last year (no giggling in the back row, please) and while RotoRooter decided to be something like a couple of hours late and want some insanely high fee to fix it, I called Service Magic back and they had me new names in almost nothing flat. The job was done totally right and it was MUCH more affordable! The guy was even here within two MINUTES of the time he said he would be. (Do other plumbers do that? I didn't think so!)
So I looked them up again and put in the trouble with the washer. Since this was an appliance repair I also got to thinking about the refrigerator...we keep finding the freezer door open and have been blaming the kids. Well...the other night we discovered that closing the fridge door will force the freezer door open, so the stupid thing isn't keeping the seal. Nice. So I threw that in there as well, submitted an online request, and went to empty the dishwasher, since I wasn't going to hear anything until Monday.
Imagine my surprise when the cell phone rang and it was one of the repairmen! At 10:30 p.m.!
We talked for a bit and he said it sure sounded like either a slipped belt or a clutch assembly. How does it spin?
Beautifully, no problem at all. It doesn't smell bad and there's no noise to speak of. It's just that the agitator makes a clunking noise, pulls power pretty hard and only spins in one direction.
He's going to bring a clutch assembly.
And he's coming tomorrow, on the weekend. Which I think is insane, but this is normal working hours for him. We also had an interesting conversation about washers, dryers, A/Cs and such. The EPA mandates for efficiency is going up by leaps and bounds...he suspects that in another 5 or 10 years you won't be able to FIND a top-loading washer since they're so inefficient with water. He owns a front-loading washer and says it'll wash a full load (6 pairs of jeans+) with 1.5 gallons of water and since the spin cycle goes at about 1,300 rpm, it takes SEVEN MINUTES to dry them in the dryer. I'm just stunned. He also has the name of a good "scratch and dent" place in Fenton where you can get these things for about half price with just a little "ping" here and there. We'd have loved one when we were setting up the house, but they ran about $800-$1,000 for a washer and there was no WAY we were going to spend that kind of money! I'll sure hit him up for information again, though.
Oh, and he'll bring an after-market seal for the freezer, to see if it'll fit. It's most likely losing of its plasticity. He says the factory issued ones can run about $100...I said for that much money, I'd just go get a child's safety lock for the fridge and use THAT to keep it closed! Sheesh!
Nothing really new kid-wise...we were supposed to read The Steadfast Tin Soldier to David and I figured he'd be maimed for life if I read him that story. Doug says, "I don't remember that one."
"What? OK, there's this little tin solider and he has only one leg, but he's ever so strong and brave, and he's in love with the ballerina on the musicbox because she's standing on one leg, so he thinks they have something in common. And through one thing or another he gets knocked out of the window and tromped on and sent down the gutter in a paper boat...everyone's just awfully mean to him, and he's finally eaten by a fish. And still he's so strong and so brave and so true, and the fish is caught and taken to the very house the tin soldier came from, and he's taken to the living room, where one of the boys picks him up and throws him into the fire for no reason at all. So the brave tin soldier can feel himself melting, and he's gazing at his love, the ballerina, and a door suddenly opens and she's blown into the fire with him and burns into nothing, and he remains steadfastly brave as he turns into a puddle. And the next morning the scullery maid finds only a lump of tin in the shape of a heart and the charred crisp of a ballerina spangle in the ashes."
Doug just looks at me. "Yeah, you'd have to pull him off the wall."
Um...yeah! I don't think he's been introduced to a sad story yet...didn't anyone else ever feel a little betrayed by a book which rewarded you by ripping your heart out of your chest and stomping on it? Where the Red Fern Grows did that to me in elementary school, in fourth grade, if I recall. I'd prefer that David not be scared of a book's ending before he decides to pick one up. He had enough trouble with that already.
Oh, and his friend's mom tried to feed him Peeps.
"What did he do?" I asked.
"He said, 'It's too cute, I can't eat it.' I said, 'They're not REAL. You know that, right? They make them cute so that people WILL eat them.' He didn't want anything to do with it."
"I keep telling Doug, this kid's going to get eaten alive in school."
I can only imagine what a group of non-sympathetic little boys would do with another boy who burst into tears at the idea of eating something "cute." I'm not sure if they'd delight in biting the heads off whatever foodstuff they had nearby or if they'd just try to rough him up a bit. Or both. Heck, even Lauren likes to bite into "cute" food to watch David's horrified reaction. Before you develop a conscience, torture is amusing.
posted by Kelly at
12:26 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home